Plus One
by Shwoo
Summary: Doofenshmirtz takes Perry with him to a fancy lunch.


(Written for the pnfamily secret Santa event on tumblr. The only reason I hadn't uploaded anything in a while because I'm doing a Homestuck crossover with lots of bits in chat format. This site does not like chat format, unfortunately.)

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Perry crawled gingerly through the ventilation system. This week Doofenshmirtz had been spending a lot of time shut in his apartment with a sewing machine, and Major Monogram had instructed Perry to check on up him.

It was probably nothing. Unless it was. Perry thought he knew Doofenshmirtz pretty well by now, but you could never tell with him. Maybe he was working on some kind of sewing...inator. Or something.

Perry had to admit, evil scheming was not one of his strengths. That was why he was the secret agent, and Doofenshmirtz was the evil scientist. That, and Perry actually had a sensible moral code. He couldn't imagine trying to hurt innocent people, not even for a good reason.

Perry got through the vent without running into a single security measure, but that was no reason to let his guard down. He usually let Doofenshmirtz trap him even when he saw the trap coming, but it was the principle of the thing.

Doofenshmirtz was sitting in an armchair, but he jumped up when he saw Perry arrive. "Perry the Platypus!" He sounded delighted, but it was hard to tell if it was because he had a particularly good trap, or because he was genuinely happy to see him. Sometimes the two were the same.

Perry waited a few seconds, but nothing happened. He narrowed his eyes and stared at Doofenshmirtz. Did he not have a scheme that day? What did he want?

"Okay," Doofenshmirtz began. "So Roger invited me to this swanky dinner part... Well, it's more of a lunch party. Luncheon? Whatever they call those. So of course I'm going to go, just to show him up. He thinks I won't go to one of his lunch party...eons? I'll show him!"

Or maybe not everything Doofenshmirtz's brother did was an elaborate scheme to score points off him? Perry folded his arms and raised an eyebrow.

Doofenshmirtz wrung his hands and leaned down. "Uh... The, the only problem is, I need to take somebody with me..." He held out the gilded invitation. "Look, look, right there, it says "Heinz Doofenshmirtz plus one". I mean, I guess technically I don't have to bring plus one, but you know that's exactly what Roger wants me to not do."

Perry tapped his foot. Get to the point.

"So... I guess what I'm trying to say is... I don't really have... Well, there's LOVEMUFFIN I guess, but those guys are... I don't think they'd... And Vanessa, well... Perry the Platypus, will you be my plus one?"

Perry widened his eyes. Was Doofenshmirtz asking him on a date? He had no idea what to say to that. He was a platypus, Doofenshmirtz was a human. And nemesis-nemesis relationships almost never worked out. And he thought Doofenshmirtz liked girls. He'd even been married to one for a while.

For once, Doofenshmirtz read Perry's expression. "What? Oh, no no no, nothing like that. Plus ones don't have to be dates, you know. They can just be like, a friend, or a colleague... Uh, unless you want it to be a date."

Perry didn't respond, because he didn't know.

"No, huh?" said Doofenshmirtz. Perry couldn't tell if he was disappointed or relieved. "Well. This... this got awkward, huh?"

Perry nodded slowly.

"Well, uh... Look, I made you this adorable little tuxedo!" Doofenshmirtz produced a tuxedo tailored to Perry's proportions. "You can't show up to the luncheon wearing just your little hat, you know they frown on that kind of thing in polite society, Perry the Platypus."

Perry nodded, and took the tuxedo from him. It was surprisingly well made. Where had Doofenshmirtz even got his measurements from? Was there an ulterior motive to last week's measurement-inator scheme?

He got the tuxedo on, flattened down the little white bib thing at the front, and gave Doofenshmirtz a thumbs up. He was cautiously looking forward to this. And if it turned out to be a scheme after all... He'd take it as it came.

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Doofenshmirtz had put on a white suit for the occasion. On the way the to the lunch, he started to explain to Perry that it was symbolic of their differing ideologies, then got distracted halfway through by the terrible driver in front of them. They kept braking. "Hey, where'd you learn to drive? Brake-all-the-time-istan? Ooh, it makes me want to build a De-Road-inator and just..."

Perry tugged on Doofenshmirtz's suit and shook his head.

"What? What are you saying? You're not going with me if I start doing something evil? Is that it?"

Perry nodded. That was exactly what he was saying. He was still on the clock, after all. And he generally preferred it when Doofenshmirtz was not hurting random innocents, no matter how bad their driving.

Doofenshmirtz folded his arms, sulked, then had to get his hands back on the handlebars before they veered into a truck. "Okay, fine. But I'm only doing this to prove to Roger that I do so have a plus one."

Perry smirked. Sure he was.

The event was at the Hotel le Hôtel, the swankiest hotel in Danville. Perry could tell it was swanky because it was in French. And its full name was "Hotel le Hôtel, the Swankiest Hotel in Danville".

The tuxedoed man at the entrance to the Hotel le Hôtel's Ballroom la Salle de Bal glared at Doofenshmirtz suspiciously, but let him in when he shoved his his invitation at him.

Doofenshmirtz leaned down and whispered "It's not even really a ballroom. It's more like a... function room or something. How do you say that in French? Le function room? I don't know, I flunked French in high school. My English was still a little shaky, and the teacher hated me, and this one time all the kids ganged up and..."

He was mercifully cut short by Roger clapping a meaty hand on Doofenshmirtz's shoulder. "Heinz! Glad you could make it!"

Doofenshmirtz gave a pointed sigh. "Hello, Roger." He indicated Perry. "If you'll notice, I actually brought a plus one to your little party... Intimate get together... I could never tell where to draw the line between those things. I brought a plus one." He looked at his brother smugly.

Perry tipped his hat at him. He'd seen Roger quite a few times in the course of neutralising his brother's mean-spirited pranks, but they'd never really been introduced.

Roger seemed a bit disturbed. "You... You brought a platypus?"

"Not just any platypus," said Doofenshmirtz, folding his arms. "This is my nemesis, Perry the Platypus."

Perry extended his hand.

Roger took it, and they shook. Roger did most of the shaking. "Ah yes, I've heard a lot about you. I must say, I didn't think you were actually a platypus."

Perry smiled at him, and tried to pull his hand back, but Roger wasn't finished shaking.

"Well that just shows what you know, doesn't it?" Doofenshmirtz muttered.

Roger finally released Perry's hand, and Perry discretely tried to rub some feeling back into it.

"Let me show you to your seat," said Roger, apparently choosing to ignore his brother's muttering.

They were seated to the right of an old, sophisticated looking couple, and to the left of a couple of blank faced businessmen. Roger said "Now I do hope you two will have a good time," and immediately left to greet some more guests.

Doofenshmirtz sat down and mimicked him behind his back.

Perry had some adjustments to make. He estimated the distance between his seat and the tabletop, and produced a cushion of approximately the right size to allow him to see over. He'd expected something like this. Many venues failed to cater properly to platypuses. He guessed he couldn't really expect them to.

Once he was comfortable, he tried the food, which was laid out in front of them buffet style.

"Ugh, would you look at this," said Doofenshmirtz, who'd poured himself some soup. "Stone cold. Like a stone. In like, Iceland. Can you say cost cutting?"

That looked like gazpacho to Perry. It was a summer food. It was supposed to be served cold.

Doofenshmirtz took a bite of steak, and frowned. "And this... This tastes like rubber," he said, spraying small bits of meat at Perry. "And sand. Sandy rubber. Roger spends all this money, on the hotel, and the guest list, and the catering, and he... he came out with food that tastes like rubbery sand."

Perry thought the food tasted pretty good. Better than the food at agency parties, at least. But to him, there was something slightly unsatisfying about all human food. It usually tasted more interesting than platypus food, but still, it was missing something.

Actually... Was that a plate of shrimp at the other end of the table? He loved shrimp. Shellfish was just about the only exception to the unsatisfying food rule he'd ever encountered. But it would be rude to lean over...

He frowned. How to get at the shrimp...? He couldn't just ask someone to hand it to him.

Doofenshmirtz had ran out of food-related things to complain about. "You know, I still don't even know what this lunch is about. Something about Roger's latest do-gooder scheme, I don't know."

The old woman on his right leaned over and said "Mayor Doofenshmirtz is launching his new Business Suits for Babies initiative, of course. Where have you been these past weeks?"

"Business Suits for Babies?" repeated Doofenshmirtz. "What... What do babies need with business suits? They're babies! They spit up on everything, I mean, i-it must cost a fortune in laundry bills."

Perry had to agree with that. Business suits required a dignity that babies generally lacked.

The woman looked at Doofenshmirtz like he was a delicious mayfly larva, and said "Are you sure you're supposed to be here? You seem a bit... out of place."

"What?" said Doofenshmirtz indignantly. He pulled on in the front of his suit. "I'm... look at me, I'm wearing a tuxedo! Where else would I be going with a suit like this, out for burgers?"

The woman made a quiet, dignified snorting sound. "The duck sitting next to you is better dressed than you are." She indicated Perry.

Perry smirked to himself. If that was true, Doofenshmirtz really had done a good job on the tuxedo.

"For your information, he's a platypus, he's my nemesis, and I invited him," said Doofenshmirtz. "iI/i invited ihim/i."

Perry nodded.

The woman snorted again, and went back to talking with her husband.

Perry was just thinking about passing a note asking for the shrimp when Roger stood up at the head of the table, and said "I'd like to thank you all for coming."

Perry reached for a slice of watermelon, and noticed that the table was vibrating very slightly. An earthquake? His chair seemed to be still.

"As you know, today is the day I launch my Business Suits for Babies initiative, a project very near and dear to my heart."

Perry was still trying to determine the source of the vibration, but he spared a bit of time to wonder how that could be true. Roger had no children, as far as he knew. Had he had a baby recently? Wouldn't Perry have heard about something like that?

"Growing up, my family was much too poor to ever afford a single business suit," continued Roger, who was either genuinely sad or moderately good at faking it. "Not when I was a baby, not ever."

"So... so why is he giving away business suits?" Doofenshmirtz asked Perry, as Roger kept talking. Perry didn't have to think too hard to know that Doofenshmirtz was genuinely confused. "Don't get me wrong, it's, it's a poor excuse for a backstory, I mean, it's true now that I think about it, he would not stop whining about it for like ten years, but come on. You don't just give the thing you were deprived of your entire childhood away for free like that, you don't see me going around shooting people with a Dignityinator, it just makes a mockery of the entire-"

Perry silenced him with a raised hand. The table was rattling now, and the businessmen to his left were studying it with a care that was obvious even through their blank faces. Perry thought he knew what they were now.

He pointed at the table.

"That's strange..." said Doofenshmirtz. "It's almost like... Uh-oh." He stood up, terror twisting his face.

Perry waited for him to explain, and wondered if he should stand up as well. Doofenshmirtz didn't often act like this. It was a little worrying.

Doofenshmirtz pointed at the table. "It's an atomic-explodinator!" he shrieked, and ran away.

Everyone turned to look at him, then turned back to Roger, who was still giving his speech. Perry inched away from the table.

"And the day I turned thirty, I promised myself-"

"Enough of this," said the older women who'd been sitting next to Doofenshmirtz. She stood up. "We have you now!" She pointed at the businessmen, who looked up at her in unison.

Perry glanced at them, then at the table. It was vibrating very quickly now.

"Don't even think about trying to disarm it," she continued, while the man Perry had assumed was her husband cracked his knuckles. "It looks like you two will finally have to cooperate, doesn't it?"

Neither of the businessmen responded, but under the table, the one closest to Perry tapped a rhythm into Perry's palm.

There wasn't much inter-agency communication in general, but the tapping code was one everyone learned, animal or absurdly blankfaced human. The other agent was asking if he was with the OWCA. Perry responded that he was, keeping his eyes on the woman.

He had to assume that Doofenshmirtz had been correct about what was happening with the table. What was an atomic explodinator? An explodinator would obviously be a bomb, and atomic was... An atomic bomb? That couldn't be right!

Now he knew why Doofenshmirtz had run away. Though he didn't know why he hadn't just said it was a bomb. Surely he knew the word.

The tapping code was limited, but one thing that was very easy to say was "Here is how to defuse this bomb." Perry paid attention to the instructions as the woman continued to talk.

"You have five minutes to comply," she told the businessmen. The one signalling to Perry gave no sign that he was doing any else. "If you make any other move-" She signalled the man, who produced a remote control. "You don't want to be responsible for the destruction of all these fine, upstanding citizens, do you?"

There was a few moments of silence. Then Perry jumped up, and punched the table at its exact centre.

The the table shuddered violently, then went still.

The woman looked at him, then at the table, then said "Darn." Suddenly she and her husband were clinging to a rope hanging from the ceiling. "Next time, for sure."

They ascended and quickly disappeared from view. The businessmen made no moves to stop them, though they did both salute at Perry. Perry saluted back.

Roger cleared his throat pointedly. "Will there be there any further interruptions?"

The businessmen shook their heads. So did Perry. Then he raised his hand and rushed out of the room, stopping only to grab a few shrimp.

He really needed to check on Doofenshmirtz, if he was even still in the building.

He was. Perry found Doofenshmirtz hiding in a toilet stall, curled up on the floor in the fetal position. Perry chattered, and offered him some shrimp.

Doofenshmirtz jumped. "Oh! It's... it's you. What are you doing here, Perry the Platypus, you have to get out of here! It's an atomic explode-inator!"

Perry tilted his head at him. If he was so scared of the bomb, why was he still there?

"Don't look at me like that, everybody knows that the fetal position is an impenetrable defense against all manner of mortal peril. Or... Or was it a fridge?" He stood up and dusted himself off. "See Perry the Platypus, that's what they call topical humour."

Perry didn't agree. He grabbed Doofenshmirtz's hand and tried to lead him out.

Doofenshmirtz followed him out of the bathroom, then said "Oh yeah, the explode-inator," and began to scream.

Perry tried to quiet him by indicating that he was safe and that the bomb had been disarmed, but Doofenshmirtz didn't get it.

"Okay, you're moving your arms like... You're moving them slow, now you're pulling something... Do you want to play tug-of-war? Now is not the time for tug-of-war, Perry the Platypus, I-I thought you understood that. No? You're... Okay, now you're a platypus... Now you're slapping your forehead..." At least he'd stopped screaming.

Perry decided not to risk going back into the ballroom, and led him out of the hotel.

As soon as they stepped over the doorway, Doofenshmirtz relaxed. "We escaped!"

Perry didn't see how just leaving the building counted as being safe from a nuclear weapon, but he'd given up on trying to explain what had actually happened.

Doofenshmirtz sat down on the curb of the parking lot and huffed a sigh. "That... that did not turn out how I wanted. I don't know, do you want to go out for burgers or something instead? There's no Roger!"

Perry smiled and gave a thumbs up. He did like burgers.

Some days he marveled that he was getting paid to do this.


End file.
